Novocaine for the Soul

With all the things that life throws at me
I take them and wish that I had something
Something so I could numb the pain
something so I don't feel this way
everyone thinks that my life is great
but it's not even going at the normal rate
I can't even control the flow
but nothing great's happening to me now
It must be my Lucky day in hell
everyone else isn't looking so well
I got the novocaine for my brain
it's creeping and flowing to my soul
soon I won't have these problems anymore
as i get my novocaine for my soul

Well I'm late a day, but I don't want to talk about my week anyways, I want to talk about life in general. Although it does pertain to my life, it might also relate to yours. Ever been told something thats so much of a blatant lie that you don't want to believe it, but no matter how much u badger the person telling you they don't admit to it. Well I don't even ask anymore, I just question it to myself, but then it just raises more questions....so u bring it up again, still u get the same answers...it really gets you no where, well what do u do? do u just forget about it, maybe agree with it even tho u don't believe it? a hard question to me, maybe an easy one for u. I've just been getting this much to often lately from the people around me. I'm much to busy to actually deal with them.

Another question to raise to the attention of the psychologist out there that may come accross this....how do people either have the balls too kill themself, or want the easy way out and kill themself? See I have this disease call Manic Depression, and I'm considered bi-polar, constantly I get these urges to pull the trigger, to cut the vein, to jump off the building. Problem is, not only do I not want to take the easy way out release myself of these pains, but nor do I have the balls to do so. Sometimes I get the feeling that I have to torture myself, that I have to risk happiness to get my answers. problem is, I'm getting nowhere fast....sure I think I'm gettin somewhere, and I'm picking at the cavity that I've picked at many times, I still havn't gotten it checked by the dentist, the pain and feeling in my soul. the problem of course getting worse as time goes by, once n awhile I pack sugar into it to make it feel better, but all it's doing is making it worse....so it will be gone, then what will I pick at?? of course I'll have another problem in my hands, a bigger problem....maybe someday my metaphorical mind will just be eaten away, and the problems would end there, then again my metaphorical caivty may also be life eating away, and my head the soul...sometimes I just don't understand my metaphors thruroughly until I look at it from diffrent angles, I get deeper and deeper, I guess those r the abilities a person thats considered an abstract thinker accumulates right? well it still doesn't make my life better...and I leave u with that note.

Crepidus

the grinding of my life makes me think
Should I continue, or should I end it
This was once a big hunk of hope
cut it up and used it like soap
erroding and breaking is the truth that becomes
sometimes good things happen
but most of my life has been rough
the broken parts shattered and making the noise
the noice that makes me realize
that bad sound of crepidus

Well another week passed, and a lot of things that happened, both good and bad, and bad some more. Well we start it all with LAst Tuesday, I had both works, and I had talked to my girl on the phone, I found out some interesting stuff that ended my chances of having that white wedding....there are no girls out there that will be able to give me that I guess. Well further more I worked myself through it. Wednesday and Thursday I went to work and the Gym where I did a very good workout that made me want to join one soon. Friday, I went to go see The Cure, best day in the few past since my last best of course, but I don't even remember that day....I had the sadness flowing it was great, Saturday, and Sunday more work. And I finally get to sleep tonight. Well Sunday I got offended by the mystery girl, but it'l effect my self-conscious to post it here, lets just say it was the first of 98. Well today I worked, and then I finally got to my Anatomy class on time, I'm amazed, just I didn't do to well on those test...that sux ass...but I'll make uop in points where ever I can...even if it mean I have to...study...duh....but I'll get my A. After that I came home and got to talk to my Mystery gal again, it was more of a counciling, cause I got to open up a bit more, and I told her why I do stuff, she's too understanding....but theres just my wish of getting the ....... I wanted..I don't know....well thats where it ends...just working my way to Friday, I don't care if Mondays Blue, Tuesdays Great and Wednesday too, Thursday I don't care about u it's Friday I'm in Love........

They all fall down

Like ashes from fire,
I'm like dust in the wind
it seems like I'm going sumwhere
but where do I begin
Things seem so great,
and then tear apart
when I'm building up wind
it gets popped with a dart
is the best over, or has the worst began
with such great momentum, and speed to grasp,
in the end the dust falls down

Well I'm back to doing my post on monday, main reason cuz I won't b able to tomarrow cause I have to work at good ole' AMR. Well lets start off at last Wednesday, not much happened that was incredible. I went to work, and I joinged my friend derek for a few hours at the gym, it felt good, but since I havn't lifted since high school left me sore for a good few days. I then went to school, this time I arrived on time, n I got a rad lab partner, funny and witty just like me. Then after I went to tutor my friend at Chipotles, he still hasn't got his results back from AMR, but I wish him luck. Thursday once again nothing too greath, went to work at CEC in the morning, then home for a nap, I went to the orthodontist to get my spacers in, and then over to my friend Koji's for a visit. After that I went to work at AMR and I had a terrible day there, the 2 EMT's that were in the VST area kept pissing me off. Then to top it off I go into depressed mood once my mystery gal deserts me at my most critical time. As if desertion isn't already my worst concern, I continue to talk to her when I metion how nothing will work out if she can't cope with me being the bi-polar manic-depressed individual that I am, later to find out she thought I was arguing with her. Either way I think from the conversation we accomplished a little more into the relationship. Friday...Just work at both places, I don't even remember anything that stuck out, Saturday....lame as well, but interesting, thats when I found out the my mystery girl has been mad at me durring more than 1 occasion, which worries me that I could have been shunning those who I care about in the very same manor without even knowing. Sunday was a bit more exciting, I'm tired and exhausted from the busy nite before, with no sleep I do my job, better than the well rested handle theirs, I had to even change at work just so I could b at AMR on time, there i think I had one of the easiest days ever. I talked to my mystery girl for awhile, then she had to go, but couldn't sleep, so we sent txt messages throughout the night....they started to get interesting, talking about the perfect future, she seemed a bit more relaxed, and comforted, it was a short moment, but it gave me plenty to think about....Now I'm on today, Monday, a terrible day again I might add, exhausted I fall asleep at work twice, I do my job quicker than ever, so fast I worry I forgot more than the minor things I remember. I got home to take 4 hours of sleep to catch up for the 60 hours where I didn't sleep at all, well it didn't work, I was late to school again, I guess I have to set 3 alarms, 2 isn't cutting it, well I go in take my lesson then come back here, were I am now.....still no call from the mystery girl...will she call probably not I tend to think she likes to play these games with me, which I will not take forever....but maybe soon she'll learn, what comes from this relationship should be interesting and help me out with future ones...if there are to b any others...

Shattered Luck

I walk around and see a meadow
I think it's luck theres beer and jello
but what I see is just a dream
I wake up quick and see the stream
Its filled with wishes that have been crushed
To fill the lake there are a bunch
So I sit on the hill
waiting for my lake to fill
theres nothing I can do but wait
for the wretched damn to break
and shed the bad upon the land
and fill the gaps between the sand
even though it means my death
I won't have to worry on my last breath

Well althought the week has been depressing, it rather mellow and busy. The same stuff happening of course. My mystery girl calling, the calls I wait for so I can smile. Being busy with work, I did a total of 100 hours betweek the 2 jobs. It was insane, and I have no Idea how it was done. I completed my EVOC course which makes me happy, I started my full time shift at AMR which means more money, and to top all that I got a dollar raise that took effect on my 2 year anniversary date with CEC. Still nothing suprising, u know people will always talk their shit, when the cats away the mice will play, in this sense talk shit, and boy do they talk shit, it irritates me. I found out the girls I've been talking to is interested in NASCAR which I think is awsome, now if only she had all the other likes/loves I did, which couldn't possibley be true, no way would I get that lucky. But from what I've seen so far for some freakish reason my search almost feels done....today our conversation ended mid-part through and interesting segment. It was something rather ideal to me, although she didn't finish what she was going to say, what was said gave my mind enough momentum to start the down hill effect of how it would end. If it ends in my favor though, I can't show it, it's too soon, we've only been talking for a month, if not a few weeks. School started for me this week as well, I thought I was going to b late, and I freaked out, I was yelling and going crazy, only to find out the class started 30 minutes l8r, I laughed after I found out, but to see myself in that state shows me how concentrated on my goals I am, which scares me but at the same time motivates me to continue, I just hope who ever I end up with if it be durring my studies understands and lets me continue in this manor. Maybe she'll see the big picture along with me, but I hope I still have the time to give her my time, and attention when we share it, oh and can't forget the family and friends need time too, but good friends will always be true so i don't have to worry about my close ones. Well lets see how the next week gets dug shall we?

Sour Grapes

It looks ok, Nothing bad to show
Started conversation what did I know?
Things look good, nothing too bad
little did I know the girl had no class
She said she'd call and never does on time
Why do they have to see me and just confuse?
Unripe and fine, how can it be?
leaving me hanging wondering the future
I guess I should let go, just fall to my death
Just die inside, then start a new breath

Well I guess I'm a day late again. Mondays I've been surfing, fun stuff I love it, I had a terrible Wednesday last week, I crashed the Ambulance, and i was pissed, but no worries, the supervisor took care of the situation, Thursday and friday went smooth just worked, and Friday I got a call from my mystery woman. I try to find out about her, but I still don't know much from what I can see. Saturday we went on somewhat of a date, once again I tried to get to know her more, but I was the one talking the whole time....it ended with a kiss, me confused with the whole situation again. Sunday was terrible, the people who were coming into work were just pissing me off, and I couldn't take it, I just wanted to get out of there, not to mention people r talking shit about me, I hate when people don't know the story and make up their own. My childhood friend came down from fullerton, and told me his sad story, which I guess is worse that mine, cause that was about a relationship that lasted about 2.5 years n is now over. Well Monday was my second day out surfing but hopefully not the last for the year, cause it was a nice day, once again talked to the girl to ask a few questions, got the answers, but were they falseafied?? I'll never know for the time being. Today work went pretty smooth, just too slow. On the Average my week was another bad one, which leaves the diary time line with a score of 0-3 Bad weeks winning.

Another one bites the Dust

Another week of terrible things, just like a nut I'm going insane
With my mind absent, and my body still present
I sail a boat, thats sinking not floating
I fall into a spiral of dispair, I tell u this like u care
I'm failing quick and losing power
my life coming apart like a dry dead flower
I got money, why am I complaining?
I don't have love, just anticipating


Well I'm a day late on the day I was going to make my usual entry. None the Less a terrible week. Of course somtimes good things happen, and thats how it started. I passed my EMT-B test. Probably the only good thing that happened all week. I was suposed to go on a date with this one girl, but what happened u ask?? well even if u didn't I'm going to tell u. Well She calls me at I guess the perfect time for my phone not to get any service. If I hadn't been so into work I would have been at home where my cell gets perfect service. It's bull crap I tell u. Not only that but she didn't call back, which shows me she didn't have intrest anyways, so it was good to know considering now I get to go full time at AMR. I'm trying to get rid of the other A-Tech at CEC, but this whole week is against me. Oh I had almost forgotten I went to Orange County yesterday, it was another plus on my week of minus'. I havn't been this whole year so I was stoked outta' my mind, then after me and my cousin crused around looking at the babes, and then went to a Hookah Bar out in Garden Grove it was pretty good and entertaining. Well I still have this week ahead of me, so lets see how it goes down shall we?

Like a Rock

Like a rock I stand here still, taking what the bad earth gives me
I work and strive to see success, but all I see is my distress
I keep myself busy by making money, but deep inside I'm built so crumby

I work at Chuck E Cheese, and things just suck there, I mean I've never seen a business thats so crappy. I can't get a descent raise cause we don't make that much as a total, but even the store thats pull in like 100,000 a week their a-echs don't make a factorial beneficiary of that sum, it makes no sense to give raises upon what the store makes rather than the workers work/ potential. I also work at American Medical Response, they pay crappy too, but it was expected when I got hired...plus it will asist me in my venture toward success. Throughout all my hard ship I still want to do good in life, I'm even trying to find a partner to settle down, it's a lot harder than it seems. it almost seems impossible. I'm also going to school in the fall, it's going to get even harder for me to go out n go partner hunting with 2 full time jobs and going to school, but I'm still going to try to accomplish my goals and post as my life gets worse.